Here is how you can overcome shyness and become bolder
Being bashful is a truly useless trait. Unfortunately in India/other Conservative countries you are taught to be shy and are commonly discouraged from being bold or assertive. This comes from the expectation that people need to be pleased and you always need to put others ahead of you. As someone who suffered a lot due to my inherent people-pleasing nature, I will tell you what I think. Since it is not some self-help BS, I hope this helps you at least a little bit.
Here are a few things you need to focus on :
- You are not responsible for what happens to others or how others feel. Unless you’re dealing with kindergarten kids, you are allowed to hurt feelings. I am not asking you to be an arrogant prick. But you should not tip-toe around things just because it might hurt feelings. Once you go down that rabbit hole, there is no end. The is always someone who take offense at something. More often that not, people use this to their advantage.
- Get out of your comfort zone. Well since you have this question, it means you are looking to put yourself out there, out of your comfort zone. That is the first step. Do it. Be prepared to do things that you would rather not. Call people without overthinking. Request for stuff. Put yourself in important places which you would rather avoid like meetings, interviews, lunches and such. Convince yourself that you are strong enough to face consequences of your actions.
- You come first, what you want trumps what others want. Extension of point 1. Any time you feel you are letting go of something for someone else to for them to feel happy, think about how that would make you feel? Do you feel happy about helping out or would that make you feel like you are wasting time or expanding effort needlessly? If it is the latter, you should be upfront and deny the request. There is nothing wrong about being helpful or feeling good about yourself, just don’t let that happen at the expense of your quality time or money. If you don’t already have important stuff to do, then find more stuff to do.
- Be honest, it is an underrated quality. OK, here is a fun activity. Do you want people to tell you sweet lies or bitter truths? If you have any sense of morality, you would choose the latter. Now that we are clear that you want the truth, even if it is ugly — why should you deny it from others? Do not make choices for everyone else. Information needs to be conveyed, what they do with it is nobody’s business.
- Awkwardness is not end of the world. This one hit too close to home even as I wrote it. As a kid I was super-awkward. Despite the fact that I was quite outgoing and gregarious, I always used to find a lot of things awkward. If you find yourself cringing too much at small things — you need to watch this amazing show called The Office(US version). It helped me understand that awkwardness is part of being human.
My idol — Michael Scott
6. Saying No. Easy right? Just say no. Practice it. Find ways to get comfortable with it. Sleep with it on your mind. Cherish it. Oh, I am sorry you are looking for guidance on when to say no? Come on! You know it already. There are at least a thousand situations where you would have probably said ‘No’ if you had the courage, but went on to say any variation of ‘OK’ , ‘Alright’, ‘Yes’ or ‘Maybe this one time’. Next time, say No. You will thank yourself for it later.
7. But what happens next? Ya, what happens next? If you piss off people and if they think you are being a dick — it means you lose friends and help in future, right? Heck it might even kill your career. I mean what will you do without the help of all these leachers who constantly take your help in the guise of friends and colleagues? Fuck them. You need genuine friends and colleagues who are friendly or professional enough to take a No. Refer point 1. Do not berate yourself and live a lie.
8. Improve yourself. Shyness comes from a fundamental belief that you are beneath others and that your interests are somehow inferior to someone else’s. In fact many of you reading this might go ‘Ya, I am worthless’. Nope. But I cannot convince you over the web. So find a way to prove that to yourself. Find something you like and improve — fitness, creative stuff, study, etc., anything that would make you feel like you are something. If you are not sure where to start — start here.
9. Push for your point. Many times I have stopped speaking or making a point because someone else kept shamelessly pushing theirs. For many years, I told myself that it was not worth it. And yes, some of it was not. But mostly it was because I was scared of making the situation tense or awkward. It took me a lot of fight to change this aspect of myself and I can guarantee that it will help you too. If you know you are right, do not back down. You will earn the respect of everyone else involved for it. It is fine if the receiver does not see your point or respect it. But it is not fine if you do not even make it.
10. Relive your past memories. One of the biggest fears of stepping out is the fear of repeating your past ‘mistakes’. The more you think about them, the more you cringe — right? But notice something? It is a memory. It mostly did not shake you. You are here and you are fine. Roll with that. Whatever didn’t kill you made you stronger. Right now, you are the strongest you have ever been.
Start somewhere. Anywhere.
