Unsaid rules to be followed in Chennai local trains

1. Do not make eye contact. It is forbidden in these realms. Do your ‘Kangal Irandaal’ crooning outside of the train. Eye contact will be met with dire consequences like awkward smiles, uncomfortable return glances and ensuing confusion. It might ruin your day.
2. Do not stand in the middle of the door. The bar in the middle is like the stoppage pillar in a dam. It is only to ensure that even if you fracture a limb while entering the holy abode during rush hour, it is a mild one. It is not for use especially in stations.
3. Stay away from ladies coaches during rush hour. Not for the reasons you think. Ladies can be quite vicious on entry and exit during rush hours. Witnessing such hostility along with colorful abuses will scar you for life. If you are a man, you may even (rightly) consider staying single all your life.
4. Earphones are a must. You’re probably thinking no brainer, right? It will not just help you alienate yourself from the rest of the human race, but also to pretend that you are busy when beggars come around too. Forget the fact that they can afford Boses, while you wear your lousy BoATs and Sennheisers.
5. If you plan on eating in the train, dont. That is all. Train snacks like samosa, fried groundnut(not the one you’re thinking about), chips and such are allowed. They are God-sent and are obviously exempted. Also outsiders may want to test waters before trying them. You have been warned.
6. No loudspeakers. If you need a reason to not keep your phone on loudspeakers, first call up your parents and find out how ashamed they are of you. If they aren’t, tell them this and they might even consider abandoning you.
7. Don’t keep your bags on seats. If you do keep your bag on your seat, I ll start a vivid conversation with your bag on how life has been for it. Oh you think I am mad? Takes one to know one.

But seriously though:

1. Look out for the first class coaches. There is very little indication outside and a hefty fine if lazy attack dogs from hell(aka ticket checkers) catch you.
2. If misguided people get on the first class coach, give them a neat, short warning. We are gentlemen of the trains, not savages. Let’s keep that up.
3. Get into the Vendor coach if you can bear the stench of drying fish. It is usually less crowded and also gives you breathing space(except the aforementioned stench).
4. Don’t get into long distance trains like Vilupuram and Mayavaram. You will regret it. No, you will. No no no no. You will. Take the next train and start typing your ‘sorry, I will be late today…’ message to your boss. Ssssshhh. It will be OK. It will. Edit- this is for folks who do not need to go beyond CGL. Leave the long distance trains for the actual long distancers, right?
5. Walk to the part of the train that is less crowded. This changes a lot, but usually coaches 2–3 links away from the engine are less crowded. Usually coaches near the station stairwells are heavily loaded.
6. Ask snoopy college students and vendors squatting on the floor to STAND THE FUCK UP! Sorry, I almost lost it there. Seriously, ask them to stand up. We are all decent folks here. Let us not resort to that sort of uncouth behavior.
7. If a moron tries to climb up the train from the wrong side(ie., from the tracks), help the poor soul up. You can debate if he/she deserves to live or not later.